What are Parents of Estranged Children?
Parents of estranged children are those who have lost contact or communication with their adult child or children per their request. This type of estrangement can be heartbreaking for parents, who may struggle with feelings of guilt, loss, and rejection.
While there are many reasons why adult children may choose to distance themselves from their parents, including abusive or dysfunctional family dynamics, mental health issues, and changes in family structure, the experience of estrangement can be isolating and difficult for parents to navigate.
Most importantly parents should seek support from a professional therapist and/or resources to help cope with the emotional impact of estrangement. As well as to consider the factors that may have contributed to the separation in order to work towards mending the relationship, if possible. Or at least finding closure and moving forward.
However sometimes there is no mending and sometimes it happens literally out of the blue.
My Research Into Parents of Estranged Children
As I was doing research I stumbled across a SILENT EPIDEMIC! No one is talking about parents with estranged children, I know it’s not a disease, like a normal epidemic but as I dug into it, I realized it is happening at an alarming pace.
So if you’re wondering what I mean by “estranged children ”, I explained above, but here is a short version. It’s when you have an adult child that you raised and nurtured and helped along the way to the best of your ability and then, they cut ties with you. They do not want to see you or hear from you. They may get married, have your grandchildren and cut you off from ever being a part of their life again.
There are always two sides to every situation and I suggest everyone listen neutrally to each side. However as a mother, my heart breaks with the pain and thoughts of something so unimaginable happening to any parent that loves their adult child. We’re not talking about parents that are abusive, or made their children do illegal things. I’m not even talking about drugs or addictions involved. Those are listed below in the theories but not always the case. This is also happening to real loving parents like you and I. To parents that are life coaches, therapists, to single moms, to parents with only one child. This can happen to anyone at any point in time. And sometimes no matter what you try, there still may be no resolution.
Let’s dive into the subject a bit deeper.
Theories of Why Children Become Estranged From Parents
There’s no one definite answer to explain why some children become estranged from their parents. However, psychologists, researchers and people who have lived it, have put forth a few theories that attempt to provide some explanation.
One theory is that the relationship between parent and child may have been dysfunctional or abusive, leading the child to distance themselves in order to protect themselves emotionally.
Another theory is that the child may have unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, or disappointment towards their parent, which causes them to withdraw from the relationship.
Another explanation is that the parent’s behavior may have been marked by neglect, lack of involvement, or absenteeism, which caused the child to feel neglected or abandoned, leading to the breakdown of the relationship.
Some wonder if some genetics are involved, as in if you had anyone else in the family that just up and left and dissociated themselves from their families.
Others think that us Gen X’ers, since we grew up with very little and on our own with no say at all, that we over compensated and gave our children too much independence and things, to make up for our lack of.
And then another theory is they are being influenced by another person or partner in a manipulative isolating way. In my mom’s situation there were multiple levels of abuse, manipulation and addiction, so that makes sense to me.
Finally, some experts argue that mental health disorders or substance abuse or addictions on the part of the child or parent may contribute to the estrangement.
Overall, estrangement is a complex phenomenon, and theories reflect a range of individual and situational factors that may contribute to its development. One thing for sure is, hurt people, hurt people.
Why Is No One Talking About It?
Despite the fact that many people suffer from estrangement from their children, this issue is often overlooked and not talked about. Estrangement can arise from a variety of reasons such as misunderstandings, disagreements, or even traumatic events that leave wounds in relationships. Some people find it difficult to cope with the emotionally charged nature of their situation, feeling embarrassed, misunderstood, guilty, or ashamed. Family dynamics can be complicated too, and often people try to brush their problems under the rug, preferring to maintain silent rather than confronting the uncomfortable.
The stigma attached to estrangement often prevents people from speaking out. Because estrangement occurs within a family, it can create a sense of helplessness for parents, as they may feel like they are unable to solve the problem. Because of the lack of attention to this issue, many people suffer in silence, which contributes to a problem that’s overlooked by society at large.
Parents often times feel shame, and they blame themselves. Think about this, if someone came to you and told you their son or daughter wants nothing to do with them anymore. What are your first thoughts? Would it be, they must have done something to set him off, or something must’ve happened to cause this…..?
Since we have human brains, we look for a reasons and oftentimes jump to conclusions. Which does no good for the grieving parents at all except make them feel worse. Yes this is grief even though the adult child is alive, and the parents will move through the grieving process. This is one of the top reasons why this is a silent epidemic.
What, If Anything, Can Be Done
With parents of estranged children, it’s a very painful situation for everyone involved. Here’s some steps that may be taken to help improve the situation. Remember to do those steps that feel right for your situation:
1. Take care of yourself: It is important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
2. Seek counseling and support: It’s important for the parents to seek a counselor or therapist who can help them deal with the emotional pain and provide strategies for reconciliation. Obviously best if both parties can seek counseling. Hurt people, hurt other people so at some level there is most likely hurt on either or both sides of this situation.
3. Respect boundaries: While parents hope for reconciliation, they also need to respect their adult children’s boundaries and be patient. Also is true for both sides if parents set boundaries to protect their hearts the adult children must also respect those.
4. Open to reconciliation: Even if it seems impossible, being open and receptive to the possibility of reconciliation. This may need to happen in a neutral location with a certified family counselor if there are some disagreements or if the adult child feels unheard. However, this is only possible if both parties are open to reconciliation.
5. Reach out: Even if the adult children have cut off contact, parents can still send messages of love and support, including letters, emails, and texts. But only if that feels right to you and your situation.
6. If you know of someone going through this, just be their to listen and be neutral and non-judgmental. Help with resources if they would like that.
A Few Of My Thoughts & Reflections
Here’s just a few thoughts for reflection from my experiences;
My mom left me at age 10 and didn’t return until I was 40. Yes I was bitter and hurt.
However, thought my life I still sent her an invite to my wedding, or other big life events. Sometimes she came, sometimes she didn’t, but I did it out of respect.
She was still my mother, whether good or bad. I will always be thankful that she gave me life, no matter how hard of a life it was at times. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel as adults we should be able to work out issues. Or at least take the high road to be kind and be civil, at least for big events together with peace. Maybe realize where they’re at, which may not be our idea of where they should be at. But then accepting them there.
I didn’t even know my Mom like others. She never heard what I said or even validated my feelings about situations. So I accepted her where she was at. You may decide you need space, just like I did. But for me I struggle with the thought of letting feelings drive a wedge that’s permanent, even though it maybe easiest.
There was a wedge between my mom and I. I held her at a distance to avoid getting hurt. But what I realized on her death-bed was I have to live with my choices for the rest of my life and she is now at peace. Sometimes as adult children we can let things cloud our minds with hurt and anger. And unfortunately we’re the only ones that’ll live with that long term. We cannot change the past, so we need to choose wisely.
Final Notes & Resources
Parent’s and estranged adult children, I see you and I am here non-judgmentally. I know each situations complexity varies for each individual. And some situations maybe unrepairable do to unthinkable acts. We each need to make our own choices.
Family; hear both sides of the situation if you’re close as to not cause more harm for picking sides.
For the adult children; I hope you can find some common ground or resolution. Even if you still need a lot of space apart.
Both parties need to be willing to find resolutions if possible. Hopefully before it’s too late.
Set boundaries to protect your peace if possible without completely shutting out your family. Seek professional therapy to help you process all of the emotions that will come up.
For Parents; your worthiness as a parent isn’t based on whether your child wants you in their lives or not. That’s their opinion and opinions are not facts nor does it determine your worth.
Set boundaries and respect yourself. You don’t need to bend over backwards to get the estranged child back into your life. This will most likely not get your child back into your life but it’ll for sure destroy your self-respect.
Take care of yourself! Life will move on. Sometimes some people in our lives were only meant to be in it for a chapter not the whole book. Know in your heart that you did your best as a parent, and bless and release. Don’t “should” on yourself or play “what if” games, they’ll only cause more heartaches.
If you’d like to learn more here’s Done With Crying and Beyond Done With Crying. There’s a website if you know of anyone struggling with this type of situation. Rejected Parents Website.
