Healing From Codependency
Healing from codependency can vary from person to person as much as our difference in physical characteristic. And with a huge scale of various behaviors. Ironically they can even be opposing behaviors.
Additionally we think that codependency only happens to close family members of an addict of some form. But that is not true, you can adapt codependency behaviors for being in all sorts of unhealthy relationships. Consequently many of us, including myself, think that the problem behaviors of codependency stop when we are no longer living with the addict, or that person. Sadly that is farthest from the truth. The only way to change is through healing from codependency.
Obviously I do not have a professional degree on this subject. However I have a lifetime of experience of codependency behaviors. And I have been on various degrees of the codependency scale throughout my life depending on the situation I was in. However, since it had been almost 20 years since living with an alcoholic, I thought I was fine. Actually just recently, I realized I still have a few codependent behaviors lingering. Surprisingly, it sort of slapped me as I was driving down the road listening to this book, when a chapter on codependency came on and so many similarities popped up.
A great for reference and help in healing from codependency or even discovering if you have some lingering behaviors is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Also a therapist can be a great addition as well to your healing journey. Here’s a Quiz You Can Take as well
How It All Started
Unfortunately when healing from codependency we have to visit emotionally, where it all began. This will be hard but you must visit all the way back to your childhood. Remembering any traumatic events, no matter how insignificant you may think they are. As well as looking for a common word of what was missing or what the child (you) needed and didn’t receive.
Specifically for me, my trauma started young. I remember my parents fighting to the extent of police being called at age 5. Also around that age I remember being picked on at school and just not wanting to go to school due to the fact I was afraid one of my parents would not be home when I returned. Eventually my parents did divorce. Then I lived with my mom until age 10 when she left with her boyfriend whom she later married. My mom for the next 30 years only contacted me maybe once a year at the most. Thankfully most children can’t even relate this sort of childhood.
Next I lived with my dad until age 12. Also during this time I started taking on more cooking duties since my dad was elderly. Sadly he passed away when I was 15. After my dad moved away I moved in with another family member and his wife at the time. This was not a healthy dynamic either, and was very stressful so I left to live with my grandma at age 16. At age 17 I was on my own, paying rent, working and going to technical college. In addition I continued to live in alcoholic environments for the next 17 years. Basically take your pick on when my coping mechanisms kicked in and when I started developing codependent behaviors.
Start Healing From Codependency
Everyone’s healing path will look particularly different, as it will be personal to the events in their own life. As will what works for them to heal or start healing from codependency.
For me my childhood trauma trigger is the missing safety net or support that was absent in my childhood. And I had no parental safety net to fall back on as a young adult. Also as a young adult I had to figure it all out on my own, there was no home to go home too. Additionally I did take on the people-pleaser, rescuer and care-taker role as codependent behaviors, because I know how it feels to be all alone with no help, so I have learned to over compensate. None of which is healthy if these triggers control you or you put others first before your own basic needs.
All of this is so important to find out for yourself too. Basically if we can find out and we can become aware of the feelings and actions we do in response to our trauma triggers, then we can begin to work through and heal. This may be a continual journey for you but it’s such an important one. A good therapist can help you also work through these steps and find your triggers as well. And it should be noted there is not a wrong way to heal, that’s personalized to each person and their own trauma and triggers.
Problems With Codependency
Specifically codependency is not a healthy coping mechanism. There are much better ways, but unfortunately most of us learn these from trauma as a child, when we have not learned any healthy coping skills. Not only can codependents attract narcissist and numerous other unhealthy relationships. But also codependents usually have poor boundaries and have a hard time saying no to things they really do not want to do. That’s the people pleasing, care-taker role. And they end up pouring into everyone else and leaving nothing left for themselves, let alone any time for self-care.
Starting out I personally just wanted to stop letting narcissists into my life. As I took a good look back, there were many. But what I realized is, it was me and my codependency behaviors and poor boundaries that attracted them to me. And they love to take advantage of those of us who are people-pleasing care-takers. Healing from codependency and setting healthy boundaries for the people in our lives is so important.
Undoubtedly doing some soul searching, going back to childhood and searching for your trauma points is important. Finding a great therapist that you are comfortable with is very helpful too. And Healing from codependency is possible, but you need to go backward to move forward into healthier relationships. And really who knows what realization you may have. I know when I figured mine out it was like a light bulb. As I was talking through my childhood, along with what was going on in my adult life at the same time, it was an epiphany for sure. Life is a journey not a destination.
What I've learned About Healing From Codependency
I should be noted that physically leaving a situation doesn’t make everything better. You may or may not need to leave the situation. However a lot of healing still needs to be done within us if we were in a traumatic situation or unhealthy environment for any length of time. Consequently if we don’t heal we will continue to carry this along and it will continue to trigger us and control us. In spite of our best intentions it can lead us into bad situations or unhealthy relationships.
If we’re currently living in an unhealthy situation, you may need to practice detachment. What that means is that you’re going to live your life. And you’ll do what makes you happy regardless of what the other person is doing, as long as it’s not a destructive behavior or hurtful. All while trying your best to not let the other person affect you. Because we can only control ourselves. We cannot control other people or their actions. This acceptance phase does not mean you’re settling or admitting defeat, it’s more of an acceptance that you have only the power to change you and no one else.
Additionally for those that find their trauma trigger or common theme from our childhood, now as adults, be the parent for that inner child that we didn’t have. Nurturing that child the way that child didn’t get nurtured, but in healthier ways. Another thing that I find to be helpful is when I’m in a triggered situation; literally pause and take a moment to talk myself through it. For myself this may sound like; I’m safe. I’ve survived so much. I’m strong. I don’t need a safety net from anyone else, I’ll be there for myself. I’m capable of figuring things out. I’ve done it already.
Tips When We Feel Triggered
Actually ask yourself what do I need in this current situation? What are we feeling? How can I help myself through this? If this was our child what would we do to help them feel better, to show them a healthy way to deal with this?
When I’m asked to do something that I’m not sure I want to do, I pause. You do not have to answer right away. Instead say something like, let me think about this and see if I’m going to be able to make it work and I will get back to you. Of course think about it. Is this something you really want to do and does it aligns with my healthy boundaries and self-care? Then let them know your answer, and know it is okay to say no. If it feels off to say yes then by all means say no.
Definitely leaning on a higher power or God, or whatever you believe in can be helpful. But this is not the whole solution, you will need to do the emotional work too. Particularly I don’t feel I would have been able to make it through most of my life situations personally, if I didn’t have God to lean on.
Moving Forward in Healing From Codependency
Most importantly our past does mold us but it doesn’t have to define us. I would recommend finding a good therapist to help you maneuver through your healing from codependency journey. In addition there are many self-help books on every subject you may be dealing with. Both of those options you may find as helpful as I did.
Sometimes making changes in your current situation can be helpful. But I just want you to be aware that changing them won’t solve everything and it won’t let you avoid going through the whole hard process of healing from codependency. You will still need to heal regardless of your new situation or your current situation.
It’s crucial to take a moment or as much time as needed. Specifically give yourself grace and as much time as needed to heal those old wounds, so then moving forward you are able to be in healthy relationships with healthy boundaries for everyone. Including all relationships whether it’s family, a significant other, your children, or people you work with. Typically those relationships can all turn into unhealthy relationships if we are still carrying around some of the baggage from our trauma and letting those triggers rule us.
Grieving The Loss Of The Life You Had Planned
Perfectionism from codependency can create some pretty strict planners. If that describes you, don’t be surprised if you start moving through the grief process. This can happen when we make the switch and accept our life as is, which may differ from the way we had planned. Once we realize, acknowledge and accept the difference, it will feel like a loss and you will then move through the grief process.
Personally I’ve moved through the grief process so many times throughout my life because so many situations weren’t as I had hoped or planned them to be. Additionally something that has helped me through my grief process is searching to find one positive outcome from that situation. I strongly believe that in every bad situation, if you look hard enough, you can find something positive. It just may take a while to find.
For me the grief process happened often because I am by nature a planner and I like to visualize things in advance. Nonetheless it’s a loss when your hopes and dreams don’t come true.
Last Few Tips- Healing From Codependency
Lastly forgive yourself if you do make a mistake or you make a bad decision. Its okay, it’s all about progress not perfection. I know for many of us that are codependent, perfectionism is one of our downfalls. Yes, this will be hard and I get that, but we need to heal and move forward with progress.
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Kathy…thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing. I pray that God continues to work through you, gives you strength and healing and that you continue to touch lives in positive ways!
Thank you so much Sunday for those kind words! It’s much appreciated! It’s hard being vulnerable, but it is actually helping the healing process.#therapyoneverypage
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